09 March 2011

lost track of time real bad, had some weird depression just sat there lethary today.
Makes me freak out even more about the test.

too many pressure changes at once

Test, D&D, Working for Judge Sheppard, Daylight Savings Time, Work on Monday
And my son called - one of his friends in "group" - I don't know if it's church youth or therapy (I'm guessing therapy) committed suicide, and worried for him
stoping smoking (non nicotine), but notice even that was a bit low last few days...

Too much on my mind.

I think the Vynanse is just right on the line of effective/too much... helps, but if I let myself focus on the wrong thing, then that is when i kinda get a bit amped.  Spent almost 4 hours starting off checking when the growing season of a grass was, and ended up looking at garden stuff and water feature stuff.  Need to figgure out ways to keep myself on what Im supposed to be on track with.

I just hope I learned enough with my farting around, and can get myself on the track I need to be on!!!

17 February 2011

I wish to thank my friends for bringing me back from an attitude of quitting the fight for the invisible handicaps of mental disorders. I also need to appologize to them for being so angry the last couple of days - I didn't know how ill I was, and how that and my lack of meds (just realized it) for two days allow me to be so unstable.

Here is also an interesting link and a comment I made, in FB, because I have jumped from warrior to Special Forces 4th Generation Army fight for the Hidden Disorders.... perhaps by my comments you can see how it's been lately...

Here's another one for those who say "It's all in your head. You can overcome anything"... Yes, I'll overcome bullying by beating the assholes up and overcoming their suppresion and repression of me. How about that solution idiots?

Bullying and Suicide - Psychiatric Times

14 February 2011

that is one of the things I kinda feel bad about... I asked our "session" for a loan for a while just too many bills hitting with utilities, taxes.  My parents even sent me about 500 this month, and the only real splurges have been junk food. - paid bills and rent

"so why do you feel bad"

Ooopppss. Session is the group of elders that discuss church decisions.  i feel bad because I had to borrow from my church. It (Church) is for me to give to people - people who are showing me love and acceptance, and to show others kindness who need it, to help others when they need it

i emotionaly kill myself when my parents help me, because I need it. It killed me more to ask church

when you need it there is nothing wrong with asking for help!!!!!!
do you mind helping others when you can?

no... nothing wrong in asking.  i know, i know. i've been raised by parents to be more independent, and being an only child, no friends growing up to really hang out with (or even to just communicate with), difficulty communicating, thinking faster than typical... All led me to depend and only count on myself... The mania activity levels have a lot to do with it too.

So loved ones, it is not so much a refusal of help, but a pattern to not expect it or depent on it, because (esp. with me) we feel we seldom get assistance.  A lot of times all of the fear, the ignorance, and the rejection by many others, sometimes EVERYONE that given day, just leads one to expect it to be normal
And seldom asks... and is afraid and feels guilty for failing when we do...

13 February 2011

Sunday Afternoon, studying Part II

Then the best part - after I finally convince myself to eat with all the tired tingly feelings, I start to get hungry, then almost anorexic... the act of eating itself is hard... stomach almost rejecting the food as it aproaches my mouth.
What the Hell is wrong?
Is the psychological depression so intense, the feelings of guilt so magnified, that I don't feel worthy to eat?  That by starving myself I might hit some kind of virtue by punishing myself till I die?
Now im feeling sick to my stomach... even worse off than before now.

This all just really sucks... Everyone has something to deal with???  you're lucky it's not my shit, because I don't think most of you have working full MOP suits.

Sunday Afternoon, studying

Went to church, and rand a few errands.  Feel like a fool now for buying chips and dip when I have no money really.  Should have bought eggs, bread, stuff like that.  But no, thought chips might be nice tonight.
So depressed Im not eating, and getting cold and weak, tired from it.
Feeling so guilty because I feel so useless - even though I've kinda proved Im not.  Need to get back to work. Better get more money for the test I hope to pass.
But I've not really been studying - or what I think is.  A few hours here, a few hours there.  Like now, blowing it off to tell you how crappy I feel about it.  But that's just the start of the slide - it immediately leads into remember other guilt, feeling more guilt, then self-verbal abuse, self hate, and finally the lonely-but-leave-me-alone-no-wait!!  Come back!!!  feelings fighting the GO AWAY!!!! rational smarts.
Well, smart if you want those people to stay liking you, because who likes an irrational person???  No one!!  Not even the lovers of women on PMS - if they can't handle that for a few days, how is the typical population going to handle weeks, months, even years??? (Sorry women, that's a memory from an old description of a female friend - that I am sometimes worse than a group of women on PMS.  Nice all the way around, huh??)

Weak willed Fuckers - IVE had to learn!!!

Some of this could be the feeling of isolation I'm having near valentines day - the one I really want to be with I can and is sooooo far away!!!  My son and I aren't connected as we could be, and Im sure that's mostly my fault, maybe all mine like so many say.  I'm feeling like a looser for the work I have to take, that's not getting me much money after the travel and everything... and they guy just doesn't get it. Even hinted at it... but...
Gonna sulk. maybe post more on this after I eat.  Oh yeah, that's another thing.  Make sure we eat.  Always in worse moods than when we do.  BUT.... food doesn't FIX the mood, just lessens and slows down the depression descent...

Now back to study - LA LA LA....  Animal Crackers on Acid!!!

Hope, Blessings and Prayers of Peace,
Wolvie 150

01 February 2011

Just one more second...

It a new day! to find new ways... that society can beat us down. To create new joys...in escaping the pain caused by their selfish ignorance. It's a new day to test my walls and give me time to relearn the foolishness of opening doors and windows to the outside.


ADHD'ers.... watch out for that "just one more second" - forgot about cinnimon toast twice. Then discovered it burnt after allowing myself too many distractions. Add coming down from mania and the fact I pawned tools to buy that food... 4 peices of toast become 4 peices of guilt and failure...

Ill just wait till the demons explode the openings on thier own, cracking the walls, and let slip the entities of hell upon this unsuspecting world.  I'm containing mine, yours, and theirs.  GIVE US A FUCKIN BREAK!!!
That includes us, giving ourselves one.  Wish I could...

25 January 2011

The fear of pseudo science

think im gonna be in an argument with my FB autism group, and maybe even get unfriended by a few ~
It's the MMR argument, all around the one guys study.
His study is even worse than the ones performed by the drug companies accepted by the FDA.... and I wonder when they are gonna change their rules???
in a nutshell - he based the primary results and impetus of his study on what 12 kids showed - as PROOF DEFINITIVE of MMR vacine (because of the thimerol) caused Autism. Even though this is based on parents saying when it happened (no actual records, no consistant standard descriptions of problems) and 5 of these kids were already DIAGNOSED with developmental problems.
The origional hypothesis was based upon IB relation in infants/newborns compared to other groups, as a result of the MMR. 

other than my FDA type irritation with this, it scares me. There are so many  ppl properly educated concerning what a true scientific study is, how it's performed and peer reviewed.  And then add the intense irrationality connected to this subject, esp. for primary caregiver, and you have ppl reaching for things that may not work, or even make a situation worse.
I must tread lightly, tenderly with this to help them see and understand... please pray I listen to love and patience when I deal with this!!!
morning, finally - 5 hours late. don't know whats wrong - lethargic depression of feeling useless and cold and no sunlight?? Hatred of the world's dual standards, even within the mental health community?? (don't see bipolar in the news unless it's someone who's done something really fucked up then it's "Oh, he's obviously bipolar or schizoid") which most of the time, these cats are in which most of the time, these cats are in the ACUTE or initial stages. For those of us under care and mostly stable? Thanks to that and any state without STRINGENT follow through and labor laws requiring RECORDED reasons to let go, we under care get SCREWED OVER AND IGNORED BY THAT COMMUNITY, AND EVEN OUR OWN SOMETIMES.

Why do I feel so isolated so much?  Just take a look around you at the world and how it views us, with a predetermined profiling by community, the judicial militia (police), and the assumed attitudes of how they are protecting EVERYONE by ignoring us or locking us up when there are stressors created BY THEM that ccreate a lessened ability to maintain the rational hold.


24 January 2011

Turmoil at church - where I don't want it to be

Yesterday was a horible day at church, where I ended up feeling guilty for some of the things I spent money on for enjoyment.  Feeling horible for not remembering I bought Girl Scout cookies.  Second week of no one talking to me except for the two who initially invited me to the church, even when I try to initiate conversation.
Is it yet again the same thing over and over?  no matter what the group is, no matter their claims of acceptance and "unconditional love", they're still just a bunch of frightened, lieing, inconiderate, ignorant, weak humans that cant see the denial they are living in willingly, pulling thw wool of Satan's false cloak over their own eyes.

And Im feeling so overwhelmed from the guilt and despair of letharic attitudes taking hold more and more over the last few weeks - making me fall into that self-fullfilling cyclical madness of passive failure and hoplessness - feelings of unsuccessfully applying the rational logic to activate my irrational will and overcome...  NEED TO SUCK IT UP, DRILL!!!!

But im so... deep inside myself.  Not sure where I am. Not sure why I let thoughts keep going.
Want some habits to change... keep reminding myself - keep tryig to use the aspects of prayer for reinforcement. Trying intentional choice of different habbits to replace some... But then never us ethem.  FUCK ME!!! Why am I so weak and hopeless and even useless sometimes?  Unwanted?  Guess that's cause everyone sees the weird demon in me.

Need those arms around me. want to feel the warmth. Need to hear the heart, the breath.

Need my source of calmness and serenity.

peace and blessings cats!


22 January 2011

Schizophrenia and smoking.

Smoking is a common problem for patients with schizophrenia. The increased tendency of patients diagnosed with this disorder is to not only smoke, but to do so more heavily than the general public. This raises the possibility that nicotine may be acting as a treatment for some symptoms of schizophrenia.

Nicotine acts through two general classes of brain receptors, those with high and low affinity for nicotine. The low affinity class of nicotinic receptors contains the alpha-7 subunit, which is present in reduced numbers in people with schizophrenia.

Notice this with Bipolar too - wonder if it's the mania?  Wonder if that mania is similar foundation to schizophrenia, or if there are just some neighboring areas affected.  Some of what I read of that disorder makes me think that.  Some of what I experience makes me feel I can relate to parts of their experience.  Im not sure.  Deeper thoughts, deeper research.  enjoying a tv series on netflix...

Interactive Autism Network

What is the Interactive Autism Network?

The Interactive Autism Network (IAN) is an innovative online project bringing together tens of thousands of people nationwide affected by autism spectrum disorders (ASD) and hundreds of researchers in a search for answers. Individuals with an ASD and their families can share information in a secure setting to become part of the largest online autism research effort in the United States. The data collected by IAN both facilitates scientific research and empowers autism community leaders to advocate for improved services and resources. In addition, anyone impacted by an ASD can become part of IAN's online community to stay informed about autism research and make their voices heard.

19 January 2011

Slippery slope of Fanatacism

Holy Crap. I mean that with it's literal interpretation. Let alone the forcing of a state religion (look at Rome changing from pagan to christian beliefs, arabic states under Islamic law) has horrible consequences, he has MISSED the point of Love One Another... idiots like this are the door to fanaticism

Alabama's govenor comments on religion stir concern
These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.